Juice

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Juice is a drink made from the extraction or pressing of the natural liquid contained in fruit and vegetables. It is notable for being the official beverage of the planet Uranus, as well as a favourite of the mathematician and omniscient being Leonhard Euler. It is not possible for juice to be stale, as it retains its sweetness.

Production[edit]

Juice can be produced in a variety of methods.

Traditional Methods[edit]

On Uranus, it is traditionally made by shouting words related to various topics at fruits that contain juice. In most fruits, the juice inside is crafted by a combination of sweetness (on bright planets, made during photosynthesis) and liquid. Fruits which are verbally abused then break down of their own accord, aided by the planet's strong surface gravity and high axial tilt. In places where it would be necessary to produce juice silently, one may electronically transmit (e-mail or other methods) the fruit the words instead.

In more recent years this technique has seen much less use because of an update to the laws of physics, which had a side effect of vastly reducing the yield of juice produced with this technique.

On Earth, it is historically made by stomping on a fruit (an indigenous example would be Apple) before processing. The juice made with this technique is often called unnatural juice, as more than 98% of the extracts are highly unstable jam particles, with less than 0.01% being juons.

Modern Methods[edit]

Modern methods of juice-making are able to produce higher quantities of juice at a faster rate. On Uranus, juice is mass-produced in big factories known as lusimortelles, invented by Sir William Rowan Hamilton in the 15th semi-annual industrial revolution. The factories create juice by dropping the fruit/vegetable from the upper atmosphere. As it falls, the fruit/vegetable collides with air molecules, causing it to heat up and melt into juice. At such an industrial pace, farms struggle to supply factories continuously, resulting in occasional layoffs and less than a week later, massive conscription efforts.

Attempts to create something similar on Earth have been relatively unsuccessful. In July 2012, scientists at the Large Hadron Collider at CERN were able to collide two fruit particles at high speeds and, in doing so, made the first observation of juons on Earth. Since then, numerous other observations of juons have been made.

Usage[edit]

In addition to being used as a beverage, juice can also be used as a fuel and willenergy source for a wide variety of physical tasks, especially spacetime manipulation for which it is particularly well suited. The amount of willenergy contained in a given volume of juice is directly proportional to the square of the quality of that juice, meaning that high quality juice is often in high demand across the universe.

Staleness[edit]

It is not possible for juice to be stale. Indeed, it violates the laws of physics for juice to be stale. If some juice did become stale, then it would be extremely dangerous, and would most likely lead to the inception of a local causality violation of layer-7 or above. However, due to the fact that it is not possible for juice to be stale, it is also not possible for this situation to occur, and therefore there is no reason to be concerned about the possibility of such an event. It is impossible. Do not worry.

Mitigation[edit]

Despite the fact that it is not possible for juice to be stale, the Andersson-Tibblethwaite Procedure is the universal standard mitigation strategy for stale juice. Since the situation that the procedure purports to solve cannot possibly ever occur, there is no reason for this procedure to ever exist, let alone ever be used. The procedure operates as follows:-

  1. Ensure the environment and surroundings are suitable.
    • There must be no Uranian speakers within a 17-elm radius of the juice in question. This is vitally important as the Procedure involves speaking ULTRAFRENCH.
    • There must not be any cats, dogs, or other animals with names containing exactly 3 letters with a direct line of sight to the juice. If there are any then they will become inexplicable and extremely polarised, which may result in death or worse for the participants of the procedure. (This is due in part to various unintended side effects of certain clauses of the current edition of the laws of physics interacting).
    • The stale juice must be well lit and well formed.
  2. A participant (the one performing the procedure) must approach the stale juice whilst wearing only light grey garments.
  3. The stale juice will notice that this procedure is underway, and will disapprove. Do not be alarmed by this disapproval.
  4. Using a category 4 breadbasket the participant must enclose and ensnare the stale juice.
  5. The participant must recite the following, in ULTRAFRENCH. (The verbatim ULTRAFRENCH translation cannot be reproduced for obvious reasons):

    The juice shall be stale no more, oh hear me; for as long as eighty seven into thirty three descends there shall be no peace in the land; indeed, for seventeen onto there we have watched it go on forever and forever: and the juice shall be stale no more!

  6. The juice will then begin to smoke and growl. It is vital at this point that the juice remains ensnared and enclosed for the entire duration of this. Otherwise, it will be left in an unstable state, possibly leading to a null pointer exception within the fabric of the universe: this is highly illegal.
  7. If the procedure has been completed correctly then the juice will no longer be stale.

Illegality[edit]

It is forbidden for employees of Hell to consume juice in any way while working for the company in any capacity. The reason for this is unknown.